in the last days of mat leave

There is a little bit of sadness this week as I do things in my year-long routine for the last time.  There is no regret, just sadness that this amazing year is coming to a close. 

I teared up today as I put Liam back into his car seat after our last outing together.  Every Wednesday for this past year, I have gathered up both kids and all their stuff and taken them on an adventure.  Sometimes it’s to the soul sucking indoor playground, but most of the time it’s been some sort of outdoor adventure.  “That’s it, Liam,” I said today as we got into the truck and drove away.  He had a little pout on his face and it broke my heart a little bit to think that at the same time a week from now I will be in some sort of office attire in a cubicle while he is in daycare. 

today was our last Wednesday adventure all together, out and about the town

almost every Wednesday included my good friend and her kids. here we are last week on our last big group adventure

On Monday I ran for the last time with Alex in the stroller. Every Monday for 9 months we have run the same route. When I started in January I could only run for 4 minutes at a time and did about 6k.  Now we do a little over 10k in under an hour.  As usual he napped and I listened to the rhythm of my footsteps plodding along the galloping goose and practiced just being in this beautiful moment. It was sunny and 15 degrees. People paddling kayaks, walking dogs, all the industrial activity across the inlet going full speed. Yes, this was just our morning jog but the fact that we did it in rain, wind storms, 30 degree heat, without fail on Monday mornings made it meaningful this last time.  

 

Tuesday was my last class of BDHQ’s baby bootcamp.  What an odd feeling to know this is it. Of course I will continue to work out and stay in touch with the friends I have made there but the breaking of a comfortable, healthy habit is kind of hard. 

 

These last three days have defined what my mat leave was all about – being really disciplined about doing something with the boys outside every day, learning to take care of myself as much as I took care of a new little life, bonding with my 3-year-old and meeting him on his active terms, and always challenging myself to ensure the routine didn’t get mundane, whether that was running faster or longer, finding a new adventure on which to take the boys, or whatever made sense to get better.

 I am thinking about why this year was so amazing, and in short, it’s because I worked hard to make it and perceive it that way.  I don’t think happiness happens to a person; you work on having an attitude that makes good thing happen in your life and deals effectively with the bad things that come your way. On my first maternity leave I returned to school to finish my masters when Liam was 4 months old.  I basically just survived—it was all about getting him down for a nap so I could study or finish an assignment.  In retrospect, it was not a healthy situation at all.  This time around I gave myself a major attitude adjustment.  I feel like a different person because of it.  I decided this year that I want to live my life with integrity and give out the most positive energy I can to others. I can get really wrapped up in achieving goals, and come across as really serious, sometimes a bit too judgemental and critical of others and myself.  I started thinking about how I could look for the best in everyone I met. How I could leave them better off when we parted ways. I decided to live in the present moment, not live for some future time (when I’d be thinner, happier, less tired, etc.).  I chose to be thankful for being tired, because it meant that I had children in the first place, and that I was able to take care of them.  I learned that when you intentionally set about your positive attitude, you acquire one.
Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Alex shortly after he was born.  It sums up how I feel about bringing my boys into the world and why it is so hard to tear yourself away from them a year later.

"We found out through an ultrasound you were definitely a boy. I thought, 'Ok, I will be living with 3 boys for the rest of my life and I better get on board with being the only girl in the house from now on!'  But the moment you were born and they handed you to me, I loved you so fiercely I could not imagine having just had any other child but you. I have my two beautiful and precious sons and your dad, and that’s all I need. You were perfect, and those were my first words after you were born. The moment your baby is born is what your dad and I call one of the 'heaviest' moments in a person’s life—heavy with emotions like joy, excitement, relief, fear, curiosity... Alex, I would do all of this all over again to have you. I really believe God picked you to belong to us and I wouldn’t want it any other way.   My heart grew a bit bigger the day you were born. I can only imagine what we are going to go through together on life’s journey, and whatever it brings, and whenever you are reading this, please know that I have loved you since literally day one!"

And so ends this chapter.  But like all things it means a beginning of something else, and I am excited to see what next week brings.

losing 10 pounds the wrong way

My stomach is eating itself right now.  Each day for the past four days I’ve eaten about 500 calories, drank 3 to 4L of water, and worked out in an attempt to drop 5 pounds.  I entered my gym’s 10 pound challenge 8 weeks ago, and the final weigh in is tomorrow morning.  If I don’t make it, I lose the $150 I used to enter the challenge. If I weigh 10 pounds less than I did 8 weeks ago, I get my money back plus the cash of anyone else who entered the challenge and didn’t make it.  As of right now I have 2 pounds to cut…basically by dehydrating myself.  I know my intentions going into this were good—I wanted to lose 10 more pounds before finishing my year of maternity leave, weighing less than I did before getting pregnant.  It started out well; halfway through these 8 weeks I was down 5 pounds, having lost the weight in a healthy way.  Then came the week of the half marathon.  I don’t know what it is about running long distances but anxiety plus the need to store energy for the run means eating lots and lots of carbs.  Then race day happened. Most of you reading this know that I ran my little heart out—and made my goal of finishing 21K in less than 2 hours. 1 hour, 57 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact.  I lost 4 pounds that day, just from sweating.  Then, my body went into a weird mode of gaining a bunch of weight, I guess because I needed to heal and it was storing energy to do that.  So here we are today…I am starving on purpose. It’s on my mind about every 5 minutes.  I know this is crazy and I am being stupid. Here are my lessons learned from this experience:

1)      When I set a goal and commit to it, I do it at all costs. This can be a good thing and a bad thing! Next time I set weight loss goals they will NOT be tied to money.

2)      Starving yourself is hard work and takes discipline.  Some people might be proud that they look good because of the discipline they employed in not eating. But wouldn't you rather put in the hard work doing something healthy and fun? From experience, I know it is WAY more fun to run a half marathon than under eat. 

3)      I promise you, I will never do this again!

32 days left of mat leave

It’s been quite the summer.  For whatever reason I've fallen out of writing each week in my blog.  It's not because I don't have anything to say! Part of it is because my iPhone camera got water damaged and I have been waiting for some updated photos to put in my blog. But from now on no more excuses; writing is healthy for me and I am back on it!

Today marks the last month I will be on maternity leave.  I have been really struggling with the upcoming adjustment in my head.  I have loved this year raising my boys.  I enjoyed my first mat leave but the stress of having a baby the first time around was so much greater and my eagerness to return to work and socialize with adults was a lot greater.  Perhaps it's because I know I am not going to be on maternity leave ever again and that this chapter in my life is closing. Perhaps it's a lot of things, but what I do know is I'm starting to spin in circles in my head thinking about the 4 weeks I have left, and how to make the most of them.  I can feel a big crying session is brewing inside me but it’s not ready to happen until I can articulate why.  I think part of it is knowing that for the rest of my sons' lives, they will be spending the majority of their days, year after year, with someone else.  A daycare, a school, friends, etc.  This is the only year in their lives that I get to spend with them for the majority of their waking hours and it's sad! Heartbreaking actually.  I will miss my Monday morning run with Alex in his stroller, which I have done for 9 months along the same path without fail.  I will miss my Wednesday trips to the park or the beach with Liam and Alex to visit their little friends and visit with my very good friend. I will really miss baby bootcamp and the wonderful people who are part of that community. But it's a choice we made that I need to return to work so I will "put on my big girl pants" as they say, and deal with it. 

So, with about 32 days to go before I return to work, I am in reflective mode on what I've done for myself this past year as well.  It's easy to start falling into a self-deprecating game. A little bit of being hard on yourself can be good motivation, but today I feel like being good to myself. I've done a lot if I think about it.   I am proud of the fact that I will have completed two half marathons while on maternity leave.  I ran a very hilly 20K last weekend in under 2 hours and didn’t even feel sore the next day.   This is the best quote I came across recently that describes how I feel about running:

 

And, I am proud that I shed all the pregnancy weight before returning to work. Today, I am comfortably back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, a size 8.  I don’t have to buy bigger back-to-work clothes.  AND, I am really proud that I lost weight the healthy way and am much stronger (physically) for it.  Perhaps the most important achievement has been acting on my words that my journey is never over.  I am not stopping now just because I achieved some major health goals.  I want to be in the best shape I've ever been when I turn 35, and in even better shape when I turn 36, etc. etc.  Why should I accept anything less than excellence for my health, right?   I just came across the picture below, taken at my heaviest, the week I walked into my gym, BDHQ, and started to change my life in 2011.  I cannot believe that is me.  That is humiliating and embarrassing and I've thought long and hard about whether I want to share these with anyone.  But I also find it inspiring that this is soooooo not me today, and it never will be again!

 

August 2011

October 2013 (30 pounds less)

 

 

p.s. As an exercise in being open about my weight loss journey, I agreed to be the subject of my gym’s blog today.  As I read what they posted my mouth was dry, I was so nervous.  But I think the right thing to do is tell you about it and let you decide if you want to read about my goals here for the rest of the year.