in the last days of mat leave

There is a little bit of sadness this week as I do things in my year-long routine for the last time.  There is no regret, just sadness that this amazing year is coming to a close. 

I teared up today as I put Liam back into his car seat after our last outing together.  Every Wednesday for this past year, I have gathered up both kids and all their stuff and taken them on an adventure.  Sometimes it’s to the soul sucking indoor playground, but most of the time it’s been some sort of outdoor adventure.  “That’s it, Liam,” I said today as we got into the truck and drove away.  He had a little pout on his face and it broke my heart a little bit to think that at the same time a week from now I will be in some sort of office attire in a cubicle while he is in daycare. 

today was our last Wednesday adventure all together, out and about the town

almost every Wednesday included my good friend and her kids. here we are last week on our last big group adventure

On Monday I ran for the last time with Alex in the stroller. Every Monday for 9 months we have run the same route. When I started in January I could only run for 4 minutes at a time and did about 6k.  Now we do a little over 10k in under an hour.  As usual he napped and I listened to the rhythm of my footsteps plodding along the galloping goose and practiced just being in this beautiful moment. It was sunny and 15 degrees. People paddling kayaks, walking dogs, all the industrial activity across the inlet going full speed. Yes, this was just our morning jog but the fact that we did it in rain, wind storms, 30 degree heat, without fail on Monday mornings made it meaningful this last time.  

 

Tuesday was my last class of BDHQ’s baby bootcamp.  What an odd feeling to know this is it. Of course I will continue to work out and stay in touch with the friends I have made there but the breaking of a comfortable, healthy habit is kind of hard. 

 

These last three days have defined what my mat leave was all about – being really disciplined about doing something with the boys outside every day, learning to take care of myself as much as I took care of a new little life, bonding with my 3-year-old and meeting him on his active terms, and always challenging myself to ensure the routine didn’t get mundane, whether that was running faster or longer, finding a new adventure on which to take the boys, or whatever made sense to get better.

 I am thinking about why this year was so amazing, and in short, it’s because I worked hard to make it and perceive it that way.  I don’t think happiness happens to a person; you work on having an attitude that makes good thing happen in your life and deals effectively with the bad things that come your way. On my first maternity leave I returned to school to finish my masters when Liam was 4 months old.  I basically just survived—it was all about getting him down for a nap so I could study or finish an assignment.  In retrospect, it was not a healthy situation at all.  This time around I gave myself a major attitude adjustment.  I feel like a different person because of it.  I decided this year that I want to live my life with integrity and give out the most positive energy I can to others. I can get really wrapped up in achieving goals, and come across as really serious, sometimes a bit too judgemental and critical of others and myself.  I started thinking about how I could look for the best in everyone I met. How I could leave them better off when we parted ways. I decided to live in the present moment, not live for some future time (when I’d be thinner, happier, less tired, etc.).  I chose to be thankful for being tired, because it meant that I had children in the first place, and that I was able to take care of them.  I learned that when you intentionally set about your positive attitude, you acquire one.
Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Alex shortly after he was born.  It sums up how I feel about bringing my boys into the world and why it is so hard to tear yourself away from them a year later.

"We found out through an ultrasound you were definitely a boy. I thought, 'Ok, I will be living with 3 boys for the rest of my life and I better get on board with being the only girl in the house from now on!'  But the moment you were born and they handed you to me, I loved you so fiercely I could not imagine having just had any other child but you. I have my two beautiful and precious sons and your dad, and that’s all I need. You were perfect, and those were my first words after you were born. The moment your baby is born is what your dad and I call one of the 'heaviest' moments in a person’s life—heavy with emotions like joy, excitement, relief, fear, curiosity... Alex, I would do all of this all over again to have you. I really believe God picked you to belong to us and I wouldn’t want it any other way.   My heart grew a bit bigger the day you were born. I can only imagine what we are going to go through together on life’s journey, and whatever it brings, and whenever you are reading this, please know that I have loved you since literally day one!"

And so ends this chapter.  But like all things it means a beginning of something else, and I am excited to see what next week brings.

losing 10 pounds the wrong way

My stomach is eating itself right now.  Each day for the past four days I’ve eaten about 500 calories, drank 3 to 4L of water, and worked out in an attempt to drop 5 pounds.  I entered my gym’s 10 pound challenge 8 weeks ago, and the final weigh in is tomorrow morning.  If I don’t make it, I lose the $150 I used to enter the challenge. If I weigh 10 pounds less than I did 8 weeks ago, I get my money back plus the cash of anyone else who entered the challenge and didn’t make it.  As of right now I have 2 pounds to cut…basically by dehydrating myself.  I know my intentions going into this were good—I wanted to lose 10 more pounds before finishing my year of maternity leave, weighing less than I did before getting pregnant.  It started out well; halfway through these 8 weeks I was down 5 pounds, having lost the weight in a healthy way.  Then came the week of the half marathon.  I don’t know what it is about running long distances but anxiety plus the need to store energy for the run means eating lots and lots of carbs.  Then race day happened. Most of you reading this know that I ran my little heart out—and made my goal of finishing 21K in less than 2 hours. 1 hour, 57 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact.  I lost 4 pounds that day, just from sweating.  Then, my body went into a weird mode of gaining a bunch of weight, I guess because I needed to heal and it was storing energy to do that.  So here we are today…I am starving on purpose. It’s on my mind about every 5 minutes.  I know this is crazy and I am being stupid. Here are my lessons learned from this experience:

1)      When I set a goal and commit to it, I do it at all costs. This can be a good thing and a bad thing! Next time I set weight loss goals they will NOT be tied to money.

2)      Starving yourself is hard work and takes discipline.  Some people might be proud that they look good because of the discipline they employed in not eating. But wouldn't you rather put in the hard work doing something healthy and fun? From experience, I know it is WAY more fun to run a half marathon than under eat. 

3)      I promise you, I will never do this again!

32 days left of mat leave

It’s been quite the summer.  For whatever reason I've fallen out of writing each week in my blog.  It's not because I don't have anything to say! Part of it is because my iPhone camera got water damaged and I have been waiting for some updated photos to put in my blog. But from now on no more excuses; writing is healthy for me and I am back on it!

Today marks the last month I will be on maternity leave.  I have been really struggling with the upcoming adjustment in my head.  I have loved this year raising my boys.  I enjoyed my first mat leave but the stress of having a baby the first time around was so much greater and my eagerness to return to work and socialize with adults was a lot greater.  Perhaps it's because I know I am not going to be on maternity leave ever again and that this chapter in my life is closing. Perhaps it's a lot of things, but what I do know is I'm starting to spin in circles in my head thinking about the 4 weeks I have left, and how to make the most of them.  I can feel a big crying session is brewing inside me but it’s not ready to happen until I can articulate why.  I think part of it is knowing that for the rest of my sons' lives, they will be spending the majority of their days, year after year, with someone else.  A daycare, a school, friends, etc.  This is the only year in their lives that I get to spend with them for the majority of their waking hours and it's sad! Heartbreaking actually.  I will miss my Monday morning run with Alex in his stroller, which I have done for 9 months along the same path without fail.  I will miss my Wednesday trips to the park or the beach with Liam and Alex to visit their little friends and visit with my very good friend. I will really miss baby bootcamp and the wonderful people who are part of that community. But it's a choice we made that I need to return to work so I will "put on my big girl pants" as they say, and deal with it. 

So, with about 32 days to go before I return to work, I am in reflective mode on what I've done for myself this past year as well.  It's easy to start falling into a self-deprecating game. A little bit of being hard on yourself can be good motivation, but today I feel like being good to myself. I've done a lot if I think about it.   I am proud of the fact that I will have completed two half marathons while on maternity leave.  I ran a very hilly 20K last weekend in under 2 hours and didn’t even feel sore the next day.   This is the best quote I came across recently that describes how I feel about running:

 

And, I am proud that I shed all the pregnancy weight before returning to work. Today, I am comfortably back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, a size 8.  I don’t have to buy bigger back-to-work clothes.  AND, I am really proud that I lost weight the healthy way and am much stronger (physically) for it.  Perhaps the most important achievement has been acting on my words that my journey is never over.  I am not stopping now just because I achieved some major health goals.  I want to be in the best shape I've ever been when I turn 35, and in even better shape when I turn 36, etc. etc.  Why should I accept anything less than excellence for my health, right?   I just came across the picture below, taken at my heaviest, the week I walked into my gym, BDHQ, and started to change my life in 2011.  I cannot believe that is me.  That is humiliating and embarrassing and I've thought long and hard about whether I want to share these with anyone.  But I also find it inspiring that this is soooooo not me today, and it never will be again!

 

August 2011

October 2013 (30 pounds less)

 

 

p.s. As an exercise in being open about my weight loss journey, I agreed to be the subject of my gym’s blog today.  As I read what they posted my mouth was dry, I was so nervous.  But I think the right thing to do is tell you about it and let you decide if you want to read about my goals here for the rest of the year.

success on vacation!

For the past 8 days I have been away from home visiting family.  I have never gone on vacation and lost weight (or even maintained weight) because I feel as though I’ve earned the right to let everything I do with rigid precision at home go. Well, this time I am pleased to report a 3 pound weight loss, an hour or more of workouts 6 out of the 8 days, and most importantly, some learning about myself and what I am capable of doing if I set my mind to it.

Just thinking “wouldn’t it be nice if I ate healthy food and exercised every day while I'm away?” is not enough to actually get it done.  I told everyone I was visiting (my parents, sister and cousin) what my intentions were and asked them for some support.  I asked my sister to map me a running route around her house in Toronto so I could keep up with my half marathon training, where we are running 14K at this point.  I thought ahead about the fact that I would be travelling yesterday when our second 14K run was scheduled, so I decided to do it 2 days earlier in Winnipeg. Big thanks to my cousin who drove me around the Assiniboine River and showed me an 8K running path the night before.  My brother-in-law was teaching a hot yoga class in Toronto last week and I decided I’d try it out, plus run home afterwards (2.5 hours of exercise that day!).  I asked my bootcamp instructor, Trish, to help keep me accountable and she emailed me 3 different bootcamp exercises I could do anywhere (hotel room, park, etc.). I must admit it was a little awkward doing random plyometric exercises near a playground in Toronto while curious parents and their kids stared at me and Alex, but really who cares, I had to get it done. I basically woke up every morning, tied my hair in a ponytail, got into my workout clothes, and told myself I would have to earn my coffee, breakfast, and hot shower before any of that was going to happen (thank you Michele Shorter for planting that seed in my head!).  I also vowed I would not eat after I had dinner, and it was pretty easy given I was in a hotel room with no kitchen for most of the days.  I used the time I had to run to clear my head, practice being in the moment and appreciating little things like a perfectly placed/timed water fountain I came across in Toronto while I was lost running through some random neighborhood with no water bottle, and a beautiful little community garden along Churchill Drive in Winnipeg and the smell of this combination of vegetables and flowers that reminded me of my grandma’s garden in Rainy River.  I decided to play a little game with myself and say “hi, good morning” to every single person I passed on my 14K runs.  People in Winnipeg were all about it. Some people in Toronto were not but I know it’s because they weren’t expecting it. I felt great all day knowing I’d gotten my workouts out of the way in the morning and it made me want to eat healthy so I wouldn’t ruin the progress I’d just made.  I learned that if you do a bit of pre-planning it is really easy to lose weight on vacation, or at least not lose progress you’ve made at home.

I was so grateful for this opportunity to meet my new nephew, Jesse, who is named after my grandma Jessie who passed away last fall.  I was so grateful to be able to travel on to Winnipeg for a family wedding and catch up with family who I’d last seen under the sad circumstances of my grandma’s funeral. It was an important part of my grieving process to come back and celebrate a happy occasion with these same people. And through all of these joyful moments, it was nice not to feel gross and guilty (from bad eating and no exercise).



my first 14K run - from Willowdale and Sheppard to Yonge and Eglinton and back.  It included some rather long hills like this one, but no big deal thanks to run clinic hill training!

At my cousin's wedding--the dress fits!

 after the yoga class I attended that my brother in law taught. I realize my posture is totally wrong but if you can get past this and appreciate I was about to run 9K after an almost 90 min class, I'd be grateful!

Glendora Park in Toronto--I would run to this park (30min) every day and then do another 30min of bootcamp

this week’s goal: lose weight on vacation

Vacations for me have always meant eating in excess, indulging in every food that is not part of the Canada Food Guide’s 4 food groups, and packing tons of workout clothes only to wear them once (or not at all).  Tomorrow I head across the country to visit family for 8 days.  I’ve worked way too hard on both eating clean and exercising 6 days a week to let it all go. I want to step on that scale when I return home and see brand new numbers I’ve not seen for over a year.  So to try to set myself up for success, I have already asked my sister to find me a 14K route in Toronto to run this weekend as part of my half marathon training.  I also asked my bootcamp trainer to send me a list of things I can do in a hotel gym every day and I committed to running the hotel stairs on one of my days.  I also told my friend I would email her every day after my workouts and to expect news from me daily about what I’ve done.  I’ve never done this much thinking ahead about how to stay in shape on vacation so this will be a little experiment.

I have to say, this week I have felt amazing.  Finally, 3 weeks of working out 6 days a week, drinking 3L of water a day and some serious carbohydrate cutting are paying off.  I’m down 4 pounds in 3 weeks which is an indicator of things heading in the right direction, but what is even better is feeling so much more energetic.  Usually at bootcamp or run clinic when I hear, “let’s run up the side of this mountain…for the 6^th time!” I think, “Oh God, I can’t, I’m about to pass out.”  I don’t know if any of you have run or worked out to the point of tears where all the voices in your head that tell you you’re tired, you can’t do this, etc. come out and you feel like you are losing this whole battle to be in great shape. It’s happened to me twice this past month where I was surprised to find myself crying at the same time I was gasping for air.  This week, oddly enough, I’ve been thinking, “Ok, I can do this, I am totally going to kill it.” And I feel as though I have. Something is changing in my head about what I’m capable of doing and I feel awesome. So interesting how a person’s mindset, combined with good nutrition, being well hydrated and in a pattern of regular exercise contributes to success. 

new mindset!

update

Well, since I last wrote and committed to eating better despite the excuses I have made for myself, I have lost two whole pounds.

I started writing down everything I ate and drank. I ate a lot of vegetables—5 cups a day—and drank 3L of water every day in week one. We even went camping 2 weekends ago and I pre-measured my oats and brought a gigantic bag of vegetables to ensure I didn’t just eat hot dogs and drink beer. This all proved to be successful in week one—I lost 2 pounds. I carried that 3 more days into week 2 of my new eating regime. Then I just went nuts for 4 days. I ate a hot dog one night because I didn’t make time to prep a healthy dinner and I needed to throw something together quickly. The weekend came and my in-laws came for a visit, which has always meant celebrating them being in Victoria with a lot of high fat foods and drinking lots of sparkling wine.  Foods I normally wouldn’t buy were in my fridge and cupboards. I hate wasting and throwing out food so what do I do after a weekend of bad eating? Drink an entire bottle of wine and eat chips and salsa at 11pm Monday night because they were already opened. I didn’t even enjoy my multiple cheat meals because I felt guilty the whole time, knowing I was just taking steps further back from my goals.

Why am I so undisciplined? WHY is this so damn hard for me? I am so frustrated with myself.  It’s not that complicated: eat healthier, keep working out, stick to the plan. It is easy to get into a place of self-loathing but I have been working hard to shush those negative voices in my head. So, bitch fest and self pitying is now over…time to be grateful and look at the positives:

·         I have lost, albeit very slowly, 24 pounds in the past 8 months. Two pounds in two weeks is still two pounds. Bring out the balloons and a party hat—I’m never going to see this number on the scale again.

·         I am just 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and one dress size away from fitting most of my old clothes. Sooooo close.

·         I have the active lifestyle part down. No one has to tell me twice to get off my butt and outside to exercise. I actually love it—something I never ever thought I’d say even just 2 years ago.

·         I’ve built a lot of core strength even after having two kids. We had a little competition in a gym class this past weekend; after an hour of bootcamp drills, we were challenged to hold a plank position for 5 minutes. Only one other person and I did it.

I think planking runs in the family! This is all my son wants to do all day.

·         I’ve got a super supportive spouse. I’m at home with the kids this year—and I choose to run over laundry and dishes all the time.  He actually said to me last week, “I understand if things aren’t done around the house because you are out running or exercising—that’s important.” He takes care of both kids on the days I have run clinic sessions, cleans up after the kids every day and puts our oldest to bed.

·         Really? My biggest suffering is not being able to drop weight fast enough? Total first world problem. I’m so thankful this is the kind of thing I have time to fret about.

·         I have a lot of people rooting for me in this journey. People care and have been so supportive.  I’ve learned in blogging that if you put it all out there, you are blessed with people sharing their own very personal struggles and encouraging you to be successful.

Yup, I can do this. I’m committing to all y’all that I am not giving up, not giving in to my frustration, and that next week there will be some more victories to post about.

I was so successful in week one of reformed eating because i ate A LOT of veggies.  Here's 1 day's worth of vegetables and lean protein

food is 90% of the battle

Today an old friend from high school reminded me, “working out is 5%, diet is 90% and rest is the other 5%” when it comes to healthy living. Awesome. I’ve got 5% of it down.  The healthy eating thing continues to plague me and I’m back to being so frustrated with myself. Weighing myself weekly has become a joke.  I hate the scale. It reads the same number back at me every week these days.  I’m not surprised by that—I know what I’ve put into my body throughout the week. At run clinic sessions I feel so heavy and burdened…I liken it to carrying a blue kettlebell (35 lbs) of excess weight with me all the time. I know my lower back pain flares up because I’m arching my back, overcompensating for the weight that’s sitting in the front.  My whole body is screaming at me to stop the madness and get lean.  It’s not that I don’t know what to do to lose this stupid bundt cake attached to the front of my torso.  It comes down to beating the voices in my head that say, “you can’t do it.” At the root of my inability to become a healthy weight is me buying in to a bunch of excuses:

“you’ve never had defined abs so what makes you think you could have them now in your 30’s”

“you just had a baby. Your skin is stretched, you’re retaining water, you’re of course going to look dumpy because of what your body went through last year”

“you inherited the body shape of an apple on stilts so you are genetically predisposed to looking this way…forever”

“running long distance doesn’t result in weight loss. Once you run 14K and over your body holds on to every calorie you consume so it has energy to make it through the next long run. As long as you keep running half marathons you are not going to lose weight”

“you don’t have time to meal prep”

“it’s not worth choking down protein shakes and kale. Food should be enjoyed—live to eat, not eat to live”

“you don’t have the willpower—you’re not mentally strong enough to stick to it”

“35 pounds is a scary number—it’s a lot of weight which means it will take a really long time. It’s too overwhelming”

“I don’t look THAT bad right now. I can get away with how I look right now and embrace my mediocrity”

“you’ve been trying to lose this weight for 2 years. You haven’t done it yet. What makes you think you’re going to do it ever”

I don’t think those voices of doubt will ever go away. But what I need to do is create a response to every one of those fears and excuses. “F*@# you” is a start but I can be a bit more uplifting to myself than that. Here’s what I’m going to do starting right now:

-          Write down everything I eat. I bought a journal to do this 3 weeks ago and haven’t had the nerve to start yet. Trish (bootcamp instructor) is going to review it once a week

-          Text everything I eat to my friend Sarah who will review it once a day (thanks SK!!) This way on a daily and weekly basis I’ve got to think about my food choices and people will hold me accountable

-          Go back to drinking lots of water.  I’ve been substituting coffee in there a lot these days.  3L minimum a day!!

-          Make black and white rules for myself so there is no room for bad decisions made at moments of weakness (like camping, take out food, etc.)

-          Focus only on a small interim goal for now. I’m headed to Winnipeg for a wedding on August 9.  One month, and the goal is 8 pounds.  Aggressive, yes!  That is what I need or else I make many excuses for myself and cheat

Another old friend from my days in Edmonton also gave me a great mantra recently: “you WILL eat again.”  So true; there is never a need to hammer back food like the apocalypse is here.  And one last quote that I have been thinking about every day: “if you want to look different, you have to do something different.”

So, who is going to join me on the quest to conquer 90% of the battle?  

today is the first day of the rest of my life

I haven’t written for a long time and I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly blog posts. I wanted to write when I had something positive to say.  For the last 4 months I’ve had a strange rash develop and finally I decided to Google my symptoms because it was spreading and changing my skin.  Surprise! It instilled some serious panic because it looked like cancer. Seriously, it most closely aligned to the symptoms and photos of this form of cancer that I found online and believe me, I spent hours looking at everything. 2 days later my family doctor said cancer was a possibility (but not a probability) when he looked at it, as did two other MDs to whom I sent photos. I know, I know. Going online to self-diagnose is the worst idea ever and I’ve learned my lesson; I’ll go straight to the doctor next time and not wait so long.  My mind went to a really dark place last week. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days—not the healthy way, so there is no boasting about my weight loss progress right now. The kind of cancer that it looked like has a 25% survival rate so naturally I went to the worst case scenario and felt sick with fear. The thought that kept circling in my head was, “Not now. There is so much more I need to do.”  I need to be around for my boys. The little guys need their mom, I need them, and Nick and I are not finished our journey by any means.”  I said to my cousin late last week, “I am so scared,” and she summed it up nicely: “you feel this way because you have a life worth living.”  So true.  I do have a life worth living, and I need to get busy living it.  I think I’m doing a decent job right now, but there is always more I could do.  It’s amazing how motivated I am to start doing things differently after last week. Here are Raeleen’s revised life priorities after her mental breakdown and not-so-near brush with death:

·         Be present all the time with my boys. So often I shut off my hyperactive 3 year old’s incessant chatter and go to my happy place. I haul poor Alex in his carseat for hours on some days getting my errands done. I surf my phone when the kids go to bed instead of having a meaningful conversation with Nick.  I’ve got to invest myself more…as a family we deserve and need that. Liam came running out of the house last week as I was driving to my run clinic session. He said, “Mom, can I have a hug and a kiss? Don’t fall on your run and hurt yourself, ok?”  And then he helped me back the car out of the driveway, motioning and pointing towards the road.  Oh my God, what a sweetheart.  I need to be around for this little guy.

·         Lose the damn weight already! I actually thought to myself this week, “I really don’t want to die overweight.”  Time to ramp it up and drop 2 pounds a week.  For the past 2 months I’ve gained and lost the same 5 pounds; I’m not even going to come up with a reason for why this has happened.  Losing weight isn’t about looking good anymore; it’s about being healthy and feeling amazing that a) I am no longer lugging excess weight in my torso while I run half marathons and after my boys at the park, and b)I set about doing something I didn’t really believe I could do but I did it.

·         Start earnestly researching international work opportunities. It’s been a life goal to work somewhere on a 1 year (or longer) assignment and experience a totally different lifestyle.  Having young kids and a spouse with a good job that’s rooted in Victoria makes this one tough…but still, no excuse. Hawaii, here I come!

·         Let go of every conflict I have with others.  I don’t actually have any ongoing conflict with anyone right now, but there are things from my past relationships and friendships that need to be freed from my mind and heart.  I’m not sure whether I need to have a conversation with anyone or if this is just me letting go of weight inside of me…I will keep you posted. Life is too short for bitterness, resentment, bad relationships.

·         Start helping out in my community.  There are people who could use my help. I did not choose the privileged life I was born into. I was gifted with it. All of us who live in Canada above the poverty line have essentially won life’s lottery. All I have to do is think back to the weeks my MBA classmates and I spent in Brazil, and seeing how people along the Amazon River lived. They didn’t choose that life either. Really, I just have first world problems (check out that hashtag, by the way). I will keep you posted on what this translates into.

So what IS this mysterious disease I have?  Diagnosis today: atypical psoriasis. Doesn’t look like “normal psoriasis,” whatever that means.  Most likely brought on by my body overheating through exercise.  How ironic! The physical activity I love and need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my skin and especially ON MY BRAIN!

I should say that cancer is a very sensitive topic for some and not to be treated trivially. I do not mean to offend anyone who has lost someone to cancer or is a cancer survivor.  If anything, I have increased respect after last week for you and what you and your families have been through.  Not many people know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, and endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments throughout the fall and winter. During this time her own mother passed away and I had baby Alex. There were a lot of intense, emotional moments for our whole family and a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.  After her last radiation appointment, my mom declared to me, “today is the first day of the rest of my life.” I am blessed to not have to go through everything she did in order to understand what she meant. 

these boys are why I have a life worth living!

I accept that I’m a runner, and any other label I am given

I remember 2 years ago walking into a Lululemon store and looking at their running section. I had just started working out – this was at the beginning of my weight loss journey and joining BDHQ.  I was with another girl who had just started working out at BDHQ too. An employee approached us and asked, “Are you runners?” At the exact same time she replied “yes” and I said “no.”  I remember thinking, “I am not a runner…yet. I admire those that are, but I’ve just started, I still don’t look like someone who does any form of exercise at this point, and I don’t deserve that title.”  I felt like if I said yes to that question I opened myself up to being judged based on my physical appearance. I created in my head an image of someone who was leaner, faster, and more hard core than I was, whatever that means. Today, that just sounds so totally dumb when I write these words.  I think back to 2 years ago and realize it was safer and easier to be self-deprecating and think, “Oh god, I need to be so much thinner before I go about telling people I’m a runner.”  The truth is, I saw myself as this overweight inactive person and equated that with a feeling of inferiority.  It had nothing to do with running but that’s where the conflict with perceived self-image and reality first came up for me.

I forgot about this incident until this week when at baby bootcamp class we had to run a steep hill which is about 5 or 6 blocks long pushing babies in strollers. I finally ran the entire hill pushing Alex; this only took 5 months of classes to get it done!!  As I was relishing my small victory, one of the other girls reached the top of the hill and asked me, “How long have you been a runner?” I looked at her and was about to say, “Oh, I’m not a runner,” but stopped myself. What am I thinking? Hells yeah, I am a runner!  I just ran over 60K last week, including my second half marathon (which, by the way, I completed in 2 hours 7 minutes, which is 2 minutes faster than my first). I have about 4 running injuries including a stress fracture in my foot from pounding pavement.  I even have a hat and socks that I only use for running long distances.  But, you know, it’s not the gear I own, or the distance I travel each week on foot, how many races I enter, or how fast my pace is that puts a tick in the “I’m a bona fide runner” box in my life.  It’s really about my attitude towards myself and whether I allow myself to be ok with how I look.  Never mind if I deserve any kind of title; there is no such thing as “deserve”.  It just is what it is.  I like running, I look the way I look, and if you want to label that or not it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have a problem being called a “professional” at work or a “good mom” at home, so why should I beat myself up over this area of my life?

I know there are a lot of people out there who think running sucks.  My answer is yes, yes it does.  It feels uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes or even the first 5K for everyone. It’s easy to get injured if you don’t stretch or run properly. But I promise you it gets awesome once you push through that.  Out of curiosity I read a Harvard University health article today to see how running shapes up to some other activities I’ve done in the last year. In half an hour, a 150 pound person burns 150 calories doing yoga, 170 walking at a 4 mph pace, 225 swimming, and 370 running at a 6 mph pace. One pound = 3500 calories.  It just makes sense to me that running is the best use of your limited time for exercise in a day and it’s the best form of exercise to drop weight efficiently.

I’ve got my name down for a run clinic starting in a couple weeks, I entered the registration lottery for San Francisco’s Nike Women’s Half Marathon in October, and I have plans to run another half marathon this fall in Victoria.  One of the best things that’s happened to me since I started running long distances was proving to myself that I can do something I never thought I was capable of physically doing. My mindset around running for 2 hours or more and 20K or more at a time is now, “yup, it’s totally doable, and even a little fun.” So onwards and upwards for me and running. 

At the Goddess Run in Victoria, smiling because we just passed the 20K marker

Meeting up with friends after the race. These two sisters are so inspiring...I think this was their 14th half marathon and they  finish 10-30 minutes faster than me! 

My training and race day partner, and fellow momma of a 7 month old. We pushed our babies 14K  on some days to train for this half marathon. Well done my friend!!

refocusing and reflecting back

Firstly I want to thank all of you for reading my blog. It’s been viewed almost 1400 times since I started it in February (and no, I don’t count my own pageviews) which is crazy to me that there are people out there who want to read what little old me has to say. Last week’s post (Epic Update) was the first time I let my Facebook community know I had a blog. Which was scary for me. I guess because I still harbor this fear of being judged and it’s easier to continue my struggles in private.  I received so many uplifting and encouraging comments from readers, though, and it validated why I have a blog in the first place. If I can inspire a few others into starting or returning to a healthy lifestyle, then I did more than I ever thought I could with my words. Keep reading, keep commenting, but most importantly, keep thinking about making healthy choices however small they are because they do make a difference.

  This past week I’ve been back to a routine and out of vacation mode. Returning to healthy eating, better sleep, less drinking, and more exercising makes me feel so much more powerful (especially mentally). By powerful I mean energetic and having a sense of control over my life.  I ran over 19K last Saturday as my last training run for the half marathon coming up in FIVE days.  I did that run in just over 2 hours and felt really good despite it being a really hilly route. I dread running long distances until I get it done, so the feeling of putting a tick in the last training day box was probably the best of all.  Just 5 months ago I had a 6 week old baby and could not run more than 3 minutes before having to walk.  I’ve learned that being able to run a half marathon distance has everything to do with disciplined training and the belief in yourself that you will do it.  It’s all about hard work and overcoming self-doubt. It really has nothing to do with natural born ability (there’s no such thing as being born a runner or a non-runner, or born with a body that can’t be fit). And, there are no excuses (I just had a baby, I’m in my 30’s now, I don’t have time with two kids  and everything else I do in my life).  I’ve learned to stop overthinking why I may not be able to do something and just plunge in and start. If not now, then when? It’s not going to happen itself.

On Sunday I ran part of the oak bay half marathon in a relay team of 3 other lovely friends I have made through BDHQ’s baby bootcamp class. I can’t believe new mommas can run so fast.  We collectively ran 21.1K in 1h45 (that’s a pace of 5 minutes/km) and we were in the top 10 of all relay teams.  I’m so inspired by these girls who don’t let their “mom” label define them.

here we are before the race

still smiling and soaked afterwards

I lost a pound this week but to be very truthful, I had already lost most of this pound and then went on vacation and gained it back.  So...it would be accurate to say I re-lost a pound. I ate well, starting in the mornings (I find if I don’t have a healthy breakfast I am more prone to eating sugar and carbs throughout the day).  I meal planned and grocery shopped only to my meal plan ingredients.  I have never posted photos of my food but thought this week I’d do that since I went back to eating colorful veggies and fruits! 

 

I try to have this every day for breakfast

1 cup frozen berries, half banana, 1 cup fresh spinach, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder or Greek yogurt, 1 tbsp NutraSea lemon flavored fish oil (it tastes pretty darn good), almond milk or milk

ingredients for fennel salad

1 large fennel bulb and 1 red pepper, 1/4 onion, 3 tbsp chopped mint leaves, juice of 1 lemon, salt and pepper

I'm not a fan of selfies but I committed to showing my progress

I decided I’m going to run another half marathon this fall and keep up with my training. I know myself, and if I don’t have another goal to work towards I have a hard time staying motivated and I won’t lose weight.  My goal this week is to sign up for a run club and train with others who can kick my butt a little harder than I can by myself. 

epic update

I just got home this afternoon from an epic journey away from home. In the past 12 days:

• Baby Alex took his first airplane ride to Alberta to meet his cousins, aunties, uncles, and new friends
•  We had an amazing time at our cousin’s wedding in Alberta.  I laughed until I cried, and let loose like it was my job.  I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun. I feel so much more connected to Nick and his family, and like a bit of my old, non-Mom self is back.  I blogged 6 weeks ago about having a goal of fitting into a dress I bought, and while I chose not to wear it, I wore another similar looking dress that barely fit me months earlier as well. Multiple “wins” on this day for me!

 

•   I visited the Rocky Mountains (Canmore and Banff) for the first time in over 6 years.  I forgot how beautiful the mountains are. We reconnected with good friends from our days in Alberta and their four adorable little girls. I learned that even though we are no longer in our 20’s and have 6 kids between us, it’s as though we never left Alberta.  We haven’t let being parents or our age define us. As I get older I believe it can get harder to make really close friends especially if you do spend a lot of your time raising kids and working full time…so those friendships I have made and kept are that much more precious to me. I feel as though my soul is that much more fulfilled from being with family and friends last week.

• We flew back to Victoria and the next day hauled our 32 foot trailer to the north island for 5 days.  About 550K one-way with 2 young kids is a challenge and some learning for me that we may have to be less ambitious in our outdoor adventures for now.  That’s not to say we will hang out in our living room all weekend from now on, but shorter travels closer to home are probably less stressful for everyone. The northern part of Vancouver Island is still so pristine, with logging roads being the only way to get to some communities and areas we visited. I get so much energy from exploring new places. I can‘t wait to go back and see Cape Scott Provincial Park and Raft Cove Provincial Park (make note: there’s another travel goal).

beach at Cluxewe (north island)

Telegraph Cove

driving on logging roads and seeing nothing but trees...

...and deserted logging trains

•   I exercised ONCE. I ventured out for a pathetic 6K run with Alex in his stroller last week when we were in Canmore.  I blame bad eating, mild hangover and higher altitude.  I had a major cramp the entire time and could barely make it up a minor hill.  I still have to complete my 20K training run for the half marathon which is in ELEVEN DAYS! I abandoned all clean eating habits for almost 2 weeks too. It was as though the wedding in Calgary happened, I wore my dress and felt great, and then my eyes rolled to the back of my head like when a shark attacks its prey and I ate every carbohydrate in sight. What is wrong with me!? I feel disgusting and about 20 pounds heavier. I refuse to weigh myself until tomorrow morning. My learning from this is that there needs to be an immediate goal after a major one is achieved to keep me going.  I guess I had my eyes fixed on the wedding and fitting into my dress, and when that day passed, I didn’t really have another weight loss goal.  So as of right now, I’m getting back to good eating, and I’m going to exercise tomorrow. As they say, just start, right? I’m going to do my 20K long run by this weekend, which is a little late to be doing it but it’s the earliest I can have someone watch the kids for more than 2 hours. My next health related goal is to run the entire hilly route of the half marathon on June 2^nd without excess weight sloshing around my torso (as it is kind of doing right now) which means finishing feeling great.   

running with Alex in Canmore (downhill so I could breathe and snap a picture with my phone)

Coming full circle with the Sun Run

When I was 16 I ran the Vancouver Sun Run (10K) without training and in a pair of Nike Air basketball shoes that were 1.5 sizes too small for me. (Fashion over function, always!)  I think I did it in 1:07 and could not walk for the next week. I remember vividly the giant blister that developed on my foot, about the size of a toonie.  What struck me in addition to being sore was how much fun it was! The energy of an enormous crowd coming together to celebrate the city, healthy lifestyles, and just having a good time was infectious.  It was my first taste of running in a “race” situation and I loved it.

Fast forward 18 years to last Sunday.  I happened to read an article in the Vancouver Sun about an expected surge in last minute registrations for the Sun Run due to the Boston Marathon bombings, and people’s desire to do something to help.  It created a sense of urgency in me to sign up.  I really wanted to pay a tribute in my own way to those victims in Boston, and running seemed to be a very appropriate way for me to do it.  When am I ever in Vancouver at the time of the Sun Run, have free babysitters (my parents), and in shape to run 10K on a whim? NEVER! Until this year.  So I was compelled to run.  I didn’t need a friend or family member to do it with me.  In a way, there are 48,000 other people who are your friends for that 10K journey—in those moments you are on the same wavelength as everyone else around you.  But the competitive side of me WAS in a race—I had something to prove to myself.  I wanted to prove to myself that even though I am 18 years older than I was when I first ran the Sun Run, and probably about 45 pounds heavier than I was at age 16, and had to re-learn to run these past 3 months since having a baby, that I was healthier and in better shape.  I am proud of the fact that I completed the run in 56:11.  That’s not my best 10K time but what I’ll remember the most about last Sunday was how uplifted I was that yes, I CAN do this, I can keep getting better as I get older, and hard work does pay off.  At the beginning of February, I could barely run 4 minutes without having to stop and walk.  There are really no excuses I can give myself—“I’m too old and fat” is no excuse. “I’ve got 2 kids and just had a baby” is no excuse. “I am too busy” is no excuse.  If I can do this, anyone can do this. 

I think I will always remember the last 500m of my Sun Run running downhill into BC Place Stadium with thick crowds of supporters cheering everyone on both sides of the road. The sun was hot and I thought my lungs would collapse.  But running with so many like-minded people at one time is euphoric.  I celebrated life for those 56 minutes, relishing the fact that I had 2 legs to run with, that I live in the most beautiful part of the world, and that more people come together as a community to do good things rather than harm others.  I may never run the Boston Marathon (perhaps this should be a new goal of mine??)  but I think I have begun to understand why people are compelled to do it.  It’s good for your soul. 

the start line 1 hour before the race 

20 minutes before the race start, a few more people had shown up!

walking home from the race, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom....Vancouver is so beautiful

Girls Weekend

Last weekend I went on my first all-girls weekend trip ever. Well, it was 8 girls and little 4 month old Alex.  It took 34 years to do this surprisingly but it was worth the wait – who would not want to wake up to this view:

What I learned on this trip:

-          I feel guilty going away without my family –like I don’t deserve it and am being negligent by going away. I spent a lot of time wondering if I’d be resented when I got home. Surprise—it was all good.

-          Going away without my family in tow is not selfish and does not yield disastrous results upon return. It makes me appreciate them more and Nick and Liam had a great time without me building a fort in the living room and eating pizza in it, having a beach day and movie afternoon.

-          I drive fast on mountainous roads.

-          When 8 women go away together the dishes are always immediately done.

-          Laughing heartily to the point of tears is not something that should just be reserved for people in my family—it can happen with people I’ve just met and that’s a good thing.

-          Alex is a terrible sleeper when not in his own crib. 

-          It’s good to be flexible. The planner in me can relinquish control and let others do it, and it all works out.

-          There are some amazing women in Victoria. I am excited to get to know them on a deeper level after this trip. For me, a real connection with people is important and I know I was able to do that in just 2 days.

-          Going away does not provide an automatic “OK” to drink and eat in excess or to sit on your butt all day long.  While there seemed to be an inordinate amount of peanut butter and hummus consumed, we pre-planned healthy meals. We hiked 6K along the Wild Pacific Trail and Bethany and I ran the trail Saturday morning.  It was good to weigh myself the next day and find that I lost 1.5 lbs that week.  When’s the last time you went on vacation and lost weight?! (My answer until last week: uh, NEVER.)

At the end of the Wild Pacific Trail this is the scene that greets you. Best running route ever.

Thank you ladies for a wonderful time. We will be doing this again.